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Monday, February 23, 2015

Horse Of the Year [2013], Wise Dan, to Meryl Streep: Call Me!

"Hey girl, got some awards advice for you!"

Hello Ms. Streep,

          In the off-chance that you don't already know me, I'm Wise Dan, the Meryl Streep of the horse racing industry. Me and my humans seem to get nominated left hoof, right hoof for Eclipse Awards. And I, like you, WIN!

I know you probably think you already hang out with studs, but none of them are as studly as me! I mean, I may not, technically, be a stud. But that's only because my humans demanded I be a gelding. (Boo, humans! Fillies are fun.) If you personally knew me though, you'd totally agree, I'm still a stud. My status was once again proven tonight, at this year's Eclipse Awards. (Think Academy Awards for horses and their handlers.) I won THREE AWARDS in one night--Champion Older Male, Champion Male Turf Horse and 2013 Horse Of the Year! I'm also the first horse to win the same three awards in two consecutive years.

I say this, not to toot my own horn, but to prove to you, that I've got merit when I say, I can help you win your upcoming Academy Awards nomination, Best Actress for August: Osage County. Congratulations, by the way, pretty cool! Not as cool as winning HOY but not everybody can be fortunate enough to have been born a horse. As far as human awards though, pretty darn awesome!

Winning Horse Of the Year for the second year in a row was a dream come true for me. I mean, I'm seven years old. Lord only knows how many years that is in human terms? (I don't want to figure it out because my mind is way spry and my limbs still way limber, don't even get me started on my heart--it's BIG! That's how I win all those races.) I'm going to run down those younger horses on the racetrack as long as my humans allow.

The way I see it, Meryl, it's like we're twins separated at birth. I mean, sure, I have dark brown hair and you have blonde. Brown eyes. Blue eyes. But beyond these two shallow differences, our similarities are undeniable.

Number one...A horse diet is very much like a starlet diet. (You, you're the starlet, wow are you pretty! If I weren't a gelding, I'd be demanding retirement ASAP and requesting you visit my stable.) But I digress...we racehorses have to keep our weight down too. Oats and hay, every day. (Boring.) Peppermints for dessert, should you be so lucky to get some from your fans. Dished out, of course, by my handlers. I never decide my own diet or portions.

Number two...You've been nominated for Academy Awards, Golden Globes and Emmys. I've been nominated for the Secretariat Vox Populi (human equivalent, People's Choice Awards) and the Eclipse Awards.

Number three...You've already won THREE Academy Awards and I just won THREE Eclipse Awards tonight! Small world doesn't begin to explain it. One of us should do our family tree on one of those heritage ancestry sites. Hair color can be misleading.

If you want to win that Oscar, I know how to cross the finish line.

Number one...The appropriate shoes are a very important aspect of being a champion. I'm stuck with ugly metal horseshoes because that's what my farrier gives me, but you should wear sparkly, pretty ones. Make sure they're adequately affixed to your feet. Don't want to see any spills as you're walking up to accept your award. I recommend a sturdy nail pounded into the sole of your shoe. (Don't worry this doesn't hurt me. Hoof edges are like fingernails and my farrier is very gentle.)

Number two...Fix your hair real fancy before you step onto the red carpet. I demand my humans braid my mane. It makes me look regal and it really distracts the fillies when they're chasing me down on the track. Truth be known, they don't always chase. Sometimes, we're neck and neck. I don't look them in the eye, then. You should do the same with your competing nominees. Don't smile at them when you make eye contact with them at the next table. Just raise your eyebrows, knowingly. They'll wonder what you're thinking. It'll confuse or unsettle them. It'll also move your nose up higher which always gives me an edge in any race.

Number three...Preening doesn't end there. Winning a big race or award isn't all about running. You've got to intimidate, spook and wow! your competition. Make them dizzy with your magnificence. Strategy. I do this in the Paddock ring. I nudge my humans' hands and make them pet my face and stroke my neck. It feels good. Then after I'm relaxed, I step outside my ring slip and demand my humans walk me around in circles so I can swish my tail or buck or do whatever else I deem appropriate to push my competitors off-balance. You've got all those fingers and toes. You should easily be able to come up with a way to scare your opponents. (You're so lucky. I can't do that. I have hooves.) Twirl on the red carpet, in between interviews. That's a good one. That'll really lull them into a false sense of security.

Well, that's all my advice. Good luck! I hope you win! Again. It's good to be Champion. After your awards season is over, give me a call and let me know how things went. Better yet, stop by the barn and bring some apples. We'll do lunch. (They don't call me Wise Dan for nothing. I know how to treat a lady.)

Wise Dan

UPDATE 10/14/14: Sorry to hear about your front fetlock injury Wise Dan! All your fans will miss you in the Breeders Cup. Take your time healing and let your humans spoil you good. You deserve it! Can't wait to see what you decide to do next you gorgeous guy!
Thanks to the Seattle Times for the injury details.